Nicole

In January of 2002, my husband and I talked about having another baby. We already had a beautiful 3-year-old boy who is the spitting image of his father. At the time, my husband was not quite ready, so we waited. Finally, in May we decided yes, let’s expand! I had only been off the pill for 2 months when I took a pregnancy test in July and it came back positive. I didn’t really believe it, so I took two more over the next week. We decided to keep it a secret until I saw the doctor. However, my husband is a large child; he couldn’t help but tell his younger brother. So the whole family knew our good news! I was so excited. I prayed every day that everything was all right. I just kind of had a bad feeling or a motherly, worrywart, uneasy feeling. I didn’t really feel pregnant, but I never had strong symptoms with Jadon either. I was really, really tired, however.

My doctor likes to see his patients at 8 weeks, but he was out of the office then so my first appointment was set for week 10 (August 27th). My husband was out of town working, so I invited my mother-in-law. She was so excited we were having another one. She wanted a granddaughter so badly! My doctor did his routine check-up, pap smear, and so on, and then he invited in my mother-in-law and son. There were pictures of babies hanging on the wall, and my son pointed to one and said that that was the baby he wanted. My doctor started the ultrasound then, and I couldn’t really see anything, but who can? All he said was, “I have terrible news.” My mother-in-law thought he was joking. As he rolled off the information about molar pregnancies, my little boy kept saying, “My baby’s going to be here soon.” I tried so hard to listen, but I finally broke down crying. I was scheduled for a D&C the next day. I got home and left a message on my husband’s cell phone, then called my aunt and mother. My husband called me back and knew something was wrong. He decided to drive the 5 hours from where he was working so he could be with me that night. My dad called and was really upset. He kept saying that it was God’s will and that we’d have another one when God wanted us to.

On August 28th, my mother took me to the hospital and stayed by my side. She was so wonderful. I had never been in the hospital other than to have my son. I was so scared. I went into shock when I was told I was going to get an epidural. They gave me other drugs to relax me and to prep me. The last thing I remember is a nurse telling me to bend over and grab a pillow. My doctor was beside me holding my hand. My mother stayed the night with me to make sure I was okay and to help with Jadon. Jared had gone back to work and couldn’t be there. It went so fast I didn’t feel like it was reality. I kept telling myself and everyone else that I was okay. It was a complete mole, there was no baby, and I was going to be fine.

My hcg level was at 50,000 before the D&C. It dropped to 237, then 97, 34.7, 20.1, and 5. I am to be tested tomorrow, and I pray for zero! I thought my levels would drop a lot faster. So did my doctor, and he has made it clear that we are to not try again for a year.

I have been so upset, but I didn’t really know it. I have just been mean, snapping at people, short tempered, and making my whole family wonder. I had a visit with my doctor, and he told me I am just angry. He said I am in the “why me?” phase. He recommend reading On Death and Dying. I didn’t realize until he told me, but I *am* angry. Angry that my plans are messed up, angry that we have to wait a year, angry that I am not pregnant. I am grieving, but what makes it horrible for me is that I don’t feel that I have a right. I did not lose a baby, just the thought of one. I am relatively healthy. God has blessed me in so many ways, why can I not get over this? I am an emotional wreck and have no right to be. I just want to know if there are others who have had complete moles and feel like I do, or if I should shut up, get over it, and realize I am lucky. I am lucky; I thank God every day for my family, my son, and my life. I think that, as a Christian, sometimes it is hard when God reveals to us that He is still in charge and we are not to plan our lives. I am so afraid, though, that I will never have more children. Yes, I have Jadon and am so grateful for him. Looking at him fills me with love so deep it hurts. And I know, if I never have another child, I’ll be fine. But it also hurts to think that I am done having children. I love everything about pregnancy, even delivery. I don’t mind pain!

Thank you for letting me vent. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this because they feel I should just be okay now. Or they don’t want me to get upset or discouraged about trying again. They are so positive, and I don’t want to be positive right now. I don’t want everyone to try to cheer me up or fix things, I just want people to understand, listen, maybe even sympathize, but not feel sorry.

UPDATE: FEBRUARY 27, 2003
My levels were negative as of November 20th, 2002. My doctor decided that it was okay to stop the every-2-week tests and go right to once a month. In December he got a new nurse and she wouldn’t listen to me, so she did a regular pregnancy test. When she called and said, “Your pregnancy test was negative,” I couldn’t help but say, “No kidding, you did the wrong test.” Anyway, in January 2003 my blood work showed a slight increase in numbers and in February showed a 2, so I am still below 5 and considered negative.

I had a visit with my doctor in January, and he told me he didn’t have any problem with us trying again in May instead of July! May will be 6 months from my negative, 9 months from the D&C, and 10 months from the date of conception. I am so excited but apprehensive about trying right away. I am watching a newborn boy for a woman while she is at school, and my son and I are just loving having a baby at home. It is giving my husband baby fever as well! I am just praying for God to give me patience and to accept that when He is ready for me to have another child, He’ll give me a healthy baby. I just want those of you who are going through to look at Jenn, the founder of this Web site, and at all the other women who have been there and are now going to have another child. We must not give up hope or waiver in our belief that God is there, watching out for us and loving us through all of it.

UPDATE: FEBRUARY 14, 2004
In May 2003 I went to my little brother’s rodeo and got a bloody nose for only the third time in my entire life. I had a feeling I was pregnant. On our anniversary I took a test, and it was positive! I was so apprehensive. Jared and I decided not to tell anyone until after my first appointment. I was never sick with Jadon, but boy was I sick this time. I couldn’t keep food down and was losing weight. We went for our first appointment on my husband’s birthday, and we saw a little dot and a heartbeat. I still didn’t feel like I could get excited. I thought maybe it would be a partial mole. But my husband was so excited, as soon as we got in the car he called his mother to tell her he was having another son! Not that he knew! I made dinner for his birthday that night, and my dad had brought some wine coolers and insisted I have one. I am not a drinker and usually only have one on birthdays. I finally had to tell him why I couldn’t. He was so excited. My dad loves babies (who doesn’t?)! My mom was excited as well, but nervous for me.

My pregnancy was going okay; I was exercising and eating right. I had contractions at 20 weeks and was so afraid. I was put on restrictions until my 30th week, and the doctor did a cervix check. I was still holding onto my faith that I could handle what ever God dealt me because it was His plan, not mine. I had contractions on New Year’s Eve, and for the next 2 weeks they would be regular for a few hours and then quit. I stayed busy, trying to keep my mind off of the calendar by knitting a sleeper and crocheting a blue blanket. We continued to think it was a boy even though the doctor and his staff were the only ones that knew. There are 12 grandboys in Jared’s family, so the odds were pointing at boy. On January 11th, my water broke at 9:30 pm. We called my mother, who lives only a mile away, and she came to stay at our house with our 4-year-old, who was asleep. We went to the hospital and a long and painful 10 hours later a little girl was born! Adelaide Kaylee weighed 6 lb 15.5 oz and was 19.5 inches long. Our families were so surprised and excited to have a girl!! Our son was so excited as well; he kept saying he wanted a sister.

Well God did bless us, and Adelaide is beautiful and healthy. I am to have my hcg levels checked in 4 weeks, and other than that small worry, life is wonderful right now. We are in the middle of calving season here, and my son loves the newborn calves as well as his sister.

Thank you for all of the support over the past year or so. This Web site came to me at a time when I needed help, and I am sure it will continue to help others.

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