On October 22, 2011, I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive! My boyfriend and I were so excited. We decided to wait till I confirmed with a doctor before we told anyone. On October 25, I went to Planned Parenthood and confirmed that I was 6 weeks pregnant. We told everyone after that. We started planning everything and picking out names. I decided to get a journal to write in throughout my pregnancy (which I would later turn into the journal that I write in every day for my little angel) so that one day I could look back and see how my first pregnancy went. Every week I would read the development of our fetus and write it in my journal as though I was talking to my baby. Everything was perfect. I had a job interview and was having such a smooth pregnancy.

Then one day I started getting really bad “morning sickness.” I was puking so much, I feared I was hurting my baby. I prayed all the time for God to bless us with a healthy baby. I even made wishes on little things like 11:11. I’m not one to pray, but I felt like I needed to. My “morning sickness” got so bad I had to cancel one of my job interviews because I could not stop puking. By the time I was 13 weeks I had finally gotten everything taken care of and scheduled my first doctor appointment. On December 14, they couldn’t hear a heartbeat. The doctor told me that I was definitely pregnant but I probably wasn’t as far along as they thought I was, so I should come back in 3 weeks for an ultrasound. I refused to believe anything was wrong. I kept on praying and making those little wishes.

Then on January 4, 2012, at 3:30 pm my boyfriend and my mom went with me for my first ultrasound. The nurse left to get a doctor. I still refused to believe anything was wrong. After the doctor came in and tried to find the baby, he told me something. I am hard of hearing and he talked very quiet so I didn’t hear what he said. But I knew. After he walked out of the room, my mom looked at me and asked “Do you understand what is going on? There is no baby.” Hearing those words from my own mother made me lose it, and I broke down. My boyfriend just held me. He waited until we got into his car before he broke down into tears. I could tell he was just as angry as I was. But by the time we got back to the house, he had pulled it together and took that night off of work so that he could stay home and comfort me.

The next day I found out my baby had stop growing at 4 weeks. It broke my heart because I was 6 weeks when I found out. Therefore I was never actually pregnant the whole time I thought I was. A few days later, I went to a friend’s house to stay the night. I needed to get out of my house. That night we were sitting on her bed looking at apartments. I felt weird so I got up to go to the bathroom and it turned out I had bled all over her white sheets! There was so much blood. I was so embarrassed. Lucky for me she was a great friend and was totally understanding and didn’t make a big deal of it. I hid in her bathroom for awhile and cried. It was all so real. My baby was really gone.

On January 10, I had a D&C. The surgery before me took longer then planned, so I had to wait hours. During those hours, I was able to open up to my mom about everything and finally accepted it. My boyfriend and I even decided to name our baby to help with the grieving. We named him David, because it means “beloved.” Later, on January 16, I had my first appointment since my surgery. Waiting in that waiting room with all those pregnant women and women with their newborns broke my heart. I just wanted to run out screaming. Finally I got called back for my appointment. It was so confusing. I didn’t pay much attention because I was still in shock, but my doctor was going on about something. He was saying something about an irregular miscarriage, that what had happened to me was very uncommon, and that they had to do research from my D&C. I would know more in 4 weeks. He also told me I couldn’t get pregnant right away.

Two days later I got a call from my doctor telling me I did have a molar pregnancy and that I had to come in for weekly blood draws to track my hCG levels. Not knowing anything about molar pregnancy, I went to the Internet. The first thing I saw was CANCER and CHEMO! I was so scared. I’m 20 years old and just lost my baby and now I might be facing cancer? It was a nightmare. I had found a few blogs and web pages with stories and it helped me out a little. January 27 I got my first results back and my hCG levels had dropped right down to 8! About time I got some good news. Right after I got that call, I got a shooting pain in my lower stomach that dropped me to the floor. It turned out that I had developed an infection from the surgery and had to take antibiotics. The pain went away until I ran out of antibiotics. My doctor then told me that my body wasn’t healing because I needed to stop stressing and to lose weight. On the bright side, my hCG level went down to 1.5. On the downside, life kept hitting me. It had been 3 months and I found out my roommate was pregnant with a boy. Hearing how happy and excited she was killed me. I was supportive for her, but I was also jealous. We had thought we were going to have a baby boy too. Shortly after that, on March 5, my doctor let me start taking birth control again.

On March 20 I started my period, my first one in 6 months. It was so painful. I don’t ever remembering my period being that painful before. It lasted for a month. Usually I am lucky if it lasts a full week. The next bad news came on March 26. My insurance found out I wasn’t pregnant and cancelled my coverage. I told them that I needed to keep seeing my doctor to make sure I didn’t get cancer. I had just lost my job and couldn’t afford to pay the visits. They wouldn’t help me at all. Luckily my doctor’s office had a program that was able to help me and covered it all. On April 27 I noticed I was at the end of my birth control and should have started my period already and my body was acting funny, kind of like when I was pregnant. I even got that sharp pain again. I started feeling sick a lot and then eventually started puking too. I was freaking out. Was I pregnant? Did my hCG level go up? I wanted to be pregnant, but I knew it would just make everything worse. After I got approved through the program and could start seeing my doctor again, he did a check up and blood work. On May 7 I started spotting a little, nothing much at all. I called my doctor to see if my results had come in yet, but he wasn’t there so they couldn’t give them to me. A couple days later, he finally called and said everything was negative. My body was still reacting from the surgery.

I had my last blood draw on August 10, 2012. It was the last time I ever saw that doctor’s office. Although I never went through chemo, I had a rough experience with molar pregnancy. I am so blessed to have had such amazing friends and family by my side through out my whole experience. I couldn’t have stayed sane without them. Every day I am thankful that they didn’t have to stand by my side while I went through chemo. Although I live two states away from most of my friends and family, they were all still there for me as much as they could be. It has now been 2 years since my doctor told me I can start trying to conceive again. I still don’t have a baby, but I am not giving up. This whole experience brought me and my boyfriend closer, and we are now happily married. Just waiting on God’s blessing for a baby.

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