Krista C.

My name is Krista, and I have been married for three years to my amazing husband. Before meeting him, I always said I did not want kids because I wanted to be able to live my life. Once I met him I knew he was going to change my life for the better in so many ways, and that was one. I cannot imagine not having a family with him. He will make such an incredible father.

I had been on birth control for about ten years because my periods always involved horrible bleeding and cramping. We talked about it and decided it was time to let my body do its thing and see how it would do on its own. After I had been off the pill for fifteen months with no other protection and still no results, I began to get a little worried. About two months later, I realized my period was four days late. I decided I wanted to wait to take a test because I thought it would be too early, but I couldn’t wait anymore so I got out of bed at 5 a.m. and took a test while my husband slept. It came back almost immediately with a YES and I started to sweat and shake and pace. I had kind of already convinced myself that it was not possible because it had been so long. I tried to go back to bed, but that was not going to happen. My husband finally woke up to go to the bathroom so I turned the light on, which is unusual, and when he looked at me he knew something was up because I was smiling and crying at the same time. He looked down, and there on the counter was the test. He picked it up and immediately burst into tears and hugged me. We picked out names and starting talking about how we were going to decorate the nursery, but in the back of my mind I knew something was not right. I was more nervous and scared than excited. It just didn’t seem right.

In March 2016 I made my first ultrasound appointment for eight weeks, because I wanted to get in there as soon as possible. At seven weeks, five days, I started bleeding, but I tried to just shrug it off and tell myself this happens to pregnant women and I shouldn’t be worried. When the bleeding didn’t stop and turned bright red I told my husband we had to go the emergency room. At the hospital we were taken back for an ultrasound after waiting two hours. We waited another three hours for a room, and then another two hours before anyone came to talk to us. The first person we saw was a nurse who came to draw my blood. She was very nice and seemed happy, so my husband was a little less worried and figured if they had made us wait this long, there couldn’t be anything wrong; it would be cruel to make us wait so long if it was something serious. As I am in the medical field, I knew that was not a true statement, and unfortunately I was right. A male doctor finally came in, and he seemed nervous and was beating around the bush, but I got the hint: I had miscarried. A different doctor came in from my obstetrician’s office and explained the whole thing to my husband and gave us the options. I was opposed to a D&C, because I felt it was wrong, the same as an abortion. My husband, because he knows me so well, argued for the procedure. He made a few valid points, such as, “Will you be able to go through that and see and feel everything and be okay after?” and “I don’t think it is a good idea for your mental health to go through something like that.” We decided on a D&C after all, and I am so glad I did, as weird as that sounds. I just wanted it over with. I was out of work for two weeks and then tried to proceed as normal as possible. We were told we could try to conceive again after one normal cycle, so we did.

In June 2016 my period was one day late, so I took a test at work, not expecting it to be positive, but it came back with those two blue lines before I even finished peeing on it. I was so excited but so nervous. I almost expected things to go wrong but tried to stay as positive as I could. Once I got home from work I showed my husband, and he was excited but much more reserved this time. We went in for the first ultrasound at six weeks but didn’t see much because it was too early. We went back in at seven weeks and saw a sac and a heartbeat. The tech said everything looked good. I always made an appointment with my obstetrician after my ultrasounds to go over the details that the tech couldn’t tell me, so we went to that appointment afterward. The doctor we saw was a man who literally didn’t even come in the door. He said, “You lost a twin and stay out of the sun or you will burn quickly” and shut the door. I was devastated and very angry. We left, and I called immediately to talk to someone. I got a nurse who went and got my ultrasound report to explain. She said there was a twin, but it was small and irregular with no heartbeat and that the baby we had seen looked healthy with a strong heartbeat. The twin should reabsorb, she told us, but if I started to bleed I should call them immediately because if the nonviable twin did not reabsorb it could miscarry and put the healthy baby in jeopardy. Instantly my heart sank, and I got very discouraged that I was going to have to relive this nightmare all over again. We made another ultrasound appointment for eight weeks to see if the twin was gone, and we discovered that it was mostly gone but that now the healthy, strong heartbeat we had seen six days earlier was gone as well. I was so angry and devastated. I made sure to push for testing, and they agreed, so we booked a day for the D&C. Those were the worst four days of waiting I had ever been through. I felt so hopeless.

At my follow-up appointment, however, it only got worse. I was told I had had a twin partial molar pregnancy that was triploid. I had never heard of that in my life, so I started asking questions. My doctor told me it was pretty rare—of course it is, I thought—and that it could plant itself in my uterus. She started using words like “cancer” and “chemo” and began urgently explaining that we had to wait at least a year before trying again and that I had to go in weekly for blood testing. I don’t think I really understood anything after that until I got home and asked my husband what the hell she had just told me. I was so broken, and I still am. I am only one week into this, and I am worried but trying to proceed with my life as normally as possible. But I am so afraid that next week or the week after or some week within the next year I will be told I have to start chemo!

Right now I feel as though having kids is not worth all this, but I know that will change. I just can’t believe this is happening; as though two miscarriages were not enough, now the loss will be lingering with me for at least a year. I wonder if people have gone through this and how did they get through it, and I am curious to see how many people have gone through the whole year with good numbers. I just don’t know what to expect, I guess. I just hate not knowing.

Thanks for listening.