I found out I was pregnant in April 2003 at the age of 31. Although this was only a few months ago, the number of things that have happened in that short time frame makes it feel like years.
When I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant, he was elated. I wasn’t sure what type of reaction to expect from him, but his response could not have been better. He said, “I couldn’t be happier. This is the most important thing that has ever happened to me.” This only makes what happened in the past few months more painful—because the pregnancy, although unexpected, was so welcomed by family and friends.
My boyfriend and I went to hear the heartbeat when I was 11 weeks pregnant, on May 21, 2003. I had been overwhelmed with anxiety that something was wrong and was abnormally fearful of miscarriage. I felt that hearing the heartbeat would allay my fears. However, the doctor was unable to locate a heartbeat. I was immediately sent for an ultrasound. The technicians said the fetus looked to be about 7 weeks with no detectable heartbeat and that the placenta was abnormally shaped. That is all I remember.
My doctor called me later that day and said I had experienced a missed abortion. I was scheduled for a D&C two days later. The procedure was not painful or physically taxing, but it depleted me emotionally. In the days following the D&C, I was filled with a feeling of doom. I felt like I would never have children. I felt uncertain of the existence of God. How could a loving God allow this to happen to two people who were so excited about the coming baby and eager to be parents? I felt like I was being punished for having had an abortion when I was 24. Two weeks later, to add insult to injury, my doctor called and told me that I had had what was called a partial molar pregnancy, and it would be necessary to come in for blood tests on a weekly basis.
My hcg levels have dropped very quickly. They were 37, then 9. I anticipate that the level will be negative when I go in for my next appointment this Monday. I suppose I should be thankful that I am not experiencing the other possible complications, but I feel angry and resentful that I have had to weather this enormous disappointment in the first place. I hope I feel more positive about the future soon, but frankly I feel like I am still in the thick of it. I still haven’t gotten a period and it has been nearly 6 weeks since the D&C. I have been depressed and discouraged about my ability to have children. The odd thing about this is the wife of a coworker of mine had the same thing happen to her only a few weeks before it happened to me. We are both Caucasian. I am now 32. She is 24. She does visit her husband occasionally at work (we work at a social service agency in inner-city Philadelphia). Could this have been caused by environmental conditions or is it an unbelievable coincidence?
On a happier note, my boyfriend and I are now engaged and will be married in October 2003. We plan to try again when my doctor says it is okay (in about 6 months). However, both of these events seem so far away.
UPDATE: FEBRUARY 2004
On a happier note, my boyfriend and I were married in October 2003, and I am now 12 weeks pregnant. I was cleared to start trying to conceive in November 2003, and I found out I was pregnant on December 10, 2003. Our baby is due August 24, 2004. So far, I have seen the heartbeat three times and all is progressing just as it should. I have been scared and anxious during this pregnancy, but as time passes I am filled with more joy and anticipation. I have bought maternity clothes. We have chosen names. I have hope again.