I miss being pregnant. My whole life, all I wanted was a baby. In August I noticed that my period was late, and I got so excited that I went to the pharmacy at 9pm that night to get a pregnancy test. I didn’t close an eye that night; all I could think of was doing the test first thing in the morning. I got up at 5:30am—I never get up that early in the morning—and I took the test half asleep. I waited the recommended 5 minutes, but it felt like forever. Still half-sleeping I looked at the test and saw the second line turning pink. At first I could not believe it; I went and washed my face to make sure I was not making a mistake. The test was positive. I was so excited!!! I ran down stairs to tell my husband the great news, he didn’t believe me at first, but when he saw the test he was just as excited as I was.

That very same morning we went to the doctor for blood tests. It came back as positive, and according to my HCG levels I was 8 weeks pregnant already. According to my calculations it was about correct. When I went for my first ultrasound the doctor said that I was about 6 weeks, which didn’t seem right to me at all. I had marked down on my calendar the dates that I was ovulating and menstruating, and I have a very regular 24-day cycle and had never missed a period. The doctor didn’t seem worried about this, even though I advised him that I was menstruating according to his dates. Then after my ultrasound we scheduled another appointment. At my “8 week” appointment (10 weeks by my calculations) we measured the baby, and he said that the baby was about 9 weeks and 5 days and that he might have made a mistake the first time. He checked for a heartbeat and said everything was fine.

The next day I was scheduled to go for a CVS test. I’m a carrier of the Fragile X syndrome, which means that I have a genetic defect that could cause mental retardation in my children. There was a 50% chance that the baby would be affected. When I got to the specialist’s office, however, he could not find a heartbeat. I immediately went back to my doctor. He did another ultrasound and could not find the heartbeat either. I had my D&C the very same day. I remember feeling numb; I didn’t know whether I should cry or how I was supposed to react. I remember when they booked me into the hospital I burst out in tears. I cried until the moment they put me under anesthesia. I even cried the moment I woke up. I just couldn’t stop crying. The hospital staff was very supportive and very caring. I went home a few hours later. That night I didn’t sleep at all. I missed my baby, and I missed being pregnant. My husband was very supportive and loving; I would most certainly have not survived this without him. We got even closer after the miscarriage.

When the pathology test came back I was diagnosed with a partial molar pregnancy. I had so many questions and no answers. When did my baby really die? Was it really a heart beat that the doctor saw the day before? My doctor requested that they test my HCG levels every week. Only time will tell what the outcome will be. I pray a lot that God will bless us with a healthy baby. To think, I was worried all the time that my baby would be mentally retarded. It never crossed my mind that I could have a disease that only occurs in 1 in every 2,000 pregnancies. I went for my first HCG levels test 2 weeks after my miscarriage and D&C (such an ugly word), and it was at 60; yesterday I went for my second test and it came back at 20. I look forward to my next count. In the meantime I will put my trust and prayers in God and try for another baby as soon as possible.

“Mommy-to-be soon!”