My husband Eric and I have a beautiful, healthy 3 ½ year old daughter Cadence. She made our relationship so much stronger and the love we both have for her is amazing. We love watching her grow and learn more every single day but are sad knowing that it’s all going by so quick. We had talked on and off about the idea of expanding our family again. We finally decided it was time. I had just had my yearly appointment with my OB/GYN, and she was excited we were ready for another little one. I immediately got a multivitamin to start and stocked up on pregnancy tests that next month. I wanted to make sure I did everything I could, and that I did things the right way. I didn’t have to deal with all of this preparation part last time, because it had kind of just happened. We weren’t actively tracking or trying.

I used the Ovia app and started testing way too early. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to know I was pregnant the very day it was possible. One day I thought I saw a very faint line, but since I had stared at so many tests I thought it might just be line eyes. We went to my mother-in-law’s house the night before Christmas Eve, as we do every year. The next morning we all got up, had coffee, ate some cookies, and then proceeded to get ready for everyone to arrive. During this time I all of a sudden got a sick feeling. I had to go sit in the bathroom floor for a few minutes thinking I was going to puke. This got me nervous, because my mom had just had the flu. Thirty minutes or so went by and I felt normal again, ready to celebrate Christmas with our families. I was due for my period the 26th of December so I had brought tampons and pregnancy tests along for the trip with us  (I wasn’t sure which one I would need).

I ended up testing at their house and thought I saw a faint line. We all decided it might be there but to retest the next day, which would be Christmas morning. I couldn’t wait! When I got home that evening I took a digital test and very quickly saw PREGNANT. I ran out to the car to my husband, where they were waiting on me to go to the next family gathering and told him the good news. I ended up telling my mom and sister that night and both of his parents and sister the next day. We decided we wouldn’t tell the rest of the family until everything was confirmed.

The days following Christmas I was so happy. God was blessing us with the brother or sister our 3-year- old had prayed every night for. We had already started talking about what we would do for a house (add on, build, or move), because our home is a little small to add another member to our family in. We knew it didn’t have to be immediate, because the baby would probably be in our room for a little while anyway, but it was exciting to think about future plans for our family of four.

Then the Googling began. Any cramp, pain, sickness, lack of boob tenderness and I went straight to the Internet. I never felt “at ease.” I thought this was just me being paranoid because we didn’t find out until I was about 8 weeks along with Cadence. I began taking pregnancy tests every day again just to make sure they were still positive. I called the doctor’s office, and they ended up ordering me an hCG blood test and a repeat 2 days later to make sure my numbers were rising as they should be. And they were! You’d think this would calm my nerves, at least for a little while, but nope! When they called with my results and said they could get me in for an early scan at 6 weeks, I jumped right on that.

I remember sitting there talking to the ultrasound tech about how much our daughter wanted a sibling. We saw a gestational sac and a yolk sac but no baby. They weren’t suspicious at this point, just figured it was a little too early to see baby or heartbeat. The doctor scheduled a repeat scan for the next week. I would’ve been almost 7 weeks. My husband was away at work for this scan, so my grandma went with me. No one had to tell me anything was wrong this time. I knew by the screen. You could see a dark circle, which I assume was the gestational sac, but instead of a tiny baby being in it the sac was filled with bigger things. Bigger circles that almost filled the sac. My doctor wasn’t in that office that afternoon, so another doctor talked with me. She said she didn’t know anything for sure and would talk to my primary in the morning, but that she was thinking molar pregnancy. I know a lot of people who are diagnosed with this had never even heard of it until the diagnosis. Not me, the Google Queen! I had searched and searched the web. Chemical pregnancy, ectopic pregnancy, and molar pregnancy—I was pretty well informed on all of them by this point.

I now like to think that this time of stress and worry wasn’t just me being paranoid. I think it was God preparing me for what was about to happen, or Mother’s intuition. The next day they got me right in for a D&C. It wasn’t bad at all. Worst part in my opinion was the intravenous line. Except for the emotional side. It all didn’t probably hit me for a day or so. Then came the waterworks. I’d look at baby pictures of my daughter and cry. I’d scroll through Facebook and cry. I went back to work and saw a pregnant coworker walk the hallways and cried. I’d see certain commercials on TV and cry. That first week was awful. The hormone drop made me crazy. Obviously emotionally, but I also had crazy night sweats and hot flashes and headaches that were out of this world.

My doctor thoroughly explained the blood draw process and wait time. Two weeks after the procedure I had my first blood draw. I hoped the hCG would be WAY down. I was shooting for zero already, although I knew that probably wouldn’t be the case. At 4 weeks post I was finally down to 11. That brings us to current time. I’m scheduled Thursday morning for hopefully my first “negative” result. If everything is still like what she explained at the beginning I’ll need three weekly negatives and three monthly negatives before we are released to try to conceive again. This is hard for me. Of course throughout this experience so many people we are close to have found out or announced they are expecting. I’m extremely happy for them but sad at the same time. It’s so inspiring to me how many women have reached out to me since I made a Facebook post explaining our situation. So many women have had to go through miscarriage, and even a few had dealt with molar pregnancies as well.

It’s sad that we don’t share these things. I think women in these situations need so much support! I may look like I am fine every day. I get up, take care of our daughter, go to work, cook, clean, and go on with my life like nothing has happened. Most of the time I am fine. But sometimes I’m not. I feel like since it’s already been a month I should be fine. That people won’t want to continue to hear me talk about it. That they’ll be annoyed with me. I sometimes feel like everyone will eventually forget about what I went through. Everyone but me. Strangely, I don’t want to forget. This experience has made me so much stronger. It has brought me so much closer to God. It’s been difficult, but I realize that God has his own plan for our little family and it’s all in his hands! I think all of the prayers that have been lifted up for us are what got us through!

I’m currently focusing on getting my body healthy again. Keeping up on the prenatals, getting blood drawn, keeping busy with things that make me happy. I often pray for my body to be healed and for our baby that didn’t make it. In our case the baby was just an abnormal mass of cells. We didn’t even get to hear the heartbeat at all because it was a complete molar. I also pray for our Rainbow Baby. All the inspiring stories of other ladies who have had molar pregnancies and went on to have healthy pregnancies afterward bring me hope and make me so happy!

You all are awesome!